A TALE OF A NUTTY SQUIRREL

Emily Harris/The NewsEmily Harris/The News

Story by Taylor Inman, Staff writer

Emily Harris/The News

Emily Harris/The News

Opinions are like squirrels – every college campus has a million of them. It just so happens that, at Murray State, the squirrels know how to use Twitter and they aren’t afraid to speak their minds.
The little critters have used their Twitter handle, @MSSquirrels, to let their tiny little squeaks be heard. The Murray State News decided we needed to give the squirrels a better outlet to let us all know exactly where they stood on topics of great importance, like the presidential election or Kim Kardashian’s nude selfie controversy. So, we walked over to knock on the nearest tree for their insight.

Q: How are the squirrels handling all of this rain?

A: We squirrels are not a fan of all this rain. The only good thing about the rain is when we dig for our nuts we can wash the dirt off. We use our tails to protect ourselves from the rain like a built-in umbrella.

Q: Where do the squirrels stand on this whole Kim Kardashian nude selfie controversy?

A: We’re huge fans of selfies (actually won the selfie contest earlier this year to be honest). We always take ours in the nude.

Q: What do you think of the change proposed for the grade classifications? (Freshman to Mustang, Sophomore to Blazer, Junior to Palomino and Senior to Secretariat).

A: It’s just plain nuts!!! If this is seriously under consideration, might we propose you name yourselves after a more noble animal … like the squirrel? Ground Squirrels = Freshmen, Red Squirrels = Sophomores, Tree Squirrels = Juniors and Flying Squirrels = Seniors… “Walnut” that be a lot of fun?

Q: Why do the squirrels on campus get so close to people?

A: We are just trying to be friendly with the students of MSU. We want to see this great university grow and the best way to do that is by making the students happy. We have also been told that students are only able to afford peanuts (or something like that), and we LOVE peanuts.

Q: Would you vote for Kanye if he actually ran for president?

A: No way! He’s even nuttier than Trump!

Q: Where is the best tree? Like THE best tree?

A: This is an ongoing debate for us. Some of us think that pine trees are the best because of the pine cones and the protection from the weather and mean birds. It’s this squirrel’s thought that the best tree is the oak tree by the President’s house. I love all the acorns in the fall. It’s tall enough to see the students trying to dodge the cars crossing the road (we know the feeling).

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The squirrel behind the candidate.

Q: The students at Murray State need to know: who are the squirrels supporting in the upcoming presidential election?

A: This is an easy question. We are supporting the nuttiest candidate – Donald Trump. To be honest with you, Trump is not human. He is really a squirrel that we have disguised as a human so we can make cutting down a tree a crime. If you look close enough at Trump, you will notice that his hair is really a squirrel tail that we have dyed blonde. The media would like to think Trump is a nut case … little do they know how true they are!

Q: Are you feeling “the Bern”?

A: We like the Bern, too. We find him a little seedy so we like that, but he supports jail birds which are not our friends. I mean, really, who would want to support a group of flying poop-poop heads? Have you ever had a bird poop on you or your car? Squirrels don’t do that crap to our human friends.

Now the world knows, the squirrels of Murray State are not that different from the students on campus. They both share strong political opinions and would do just about anything for food. And when there’s a group of students taking selfies on the Quad, there’s probably a group of squirrels close by doing the same, except like Kim Kardashian, they opt to take all of theirs in the nude.