Illegal Man Downfield: Facial hair; an art of manliness

Dylan Stinson
Assistant Sports Editor

Everyone knows the more hair a man has on his face, the more testosterone his body produces. It’s a scientific fact.

I was watching the Green Bay Packers play at the beginning of the season (obviously it was a really slow night here in ole Murray) and I was enthralled when my eyes caught a glance of Aaron Rogers’ perfectly groomed, handle-bar mustache. Now, if you didn’t happen to see Rogers’ terrific mustache then you need to go to Google as soon as possible, find it and study its beauty. Just looking at that thing will make you want to buy a Harley-Davidson, learn how to make your own beef jerky and kill an animal with your bare hands.

I was so impressed and inspired by Rogers’ mustache that I’ve decided to do a three-week series all about the best facial hair in sports. This week I’ll give you my top picks on the absolute best mustaches in sports, next time I’ll do goatees/chin hair and lastly we’ll have a look at the top beards.

Before we get started I want to give a brief statement on the responsibilities that come with bearing a mustache. Peter Griffin once said, “With great mustache, comes great responsibility.” I couldn’t agree more. A mustache is something special, something different. You don’t just see any old average Joe walking around with a mustache. Men who sport mustaches know who they are and they know what they’re communicating.

A mustache says, “Hey, I don’t care about looking good, I’m too rough, tough and manly to give a flip about what you think.” Mustache men are usually good with wrenches, wear blue-jean jackets, smoke Marlboro Red cigarettes and grunt at inappropriate times (I’ve always wondered why mustache-men grunt, but I’m terrified to ask one of them).

No. 3 Don Frye – Mixed Martial Artist

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Frye makes the list for many reasons. First, Frye’s mustache may not be the most creative, but where it lacks in creativity it makes up for in thickness. Second, I believe Frye understands his role as a mustache man better than anyone on the list, I mean, the man wears Wrangler blue jeans and gets in bar fights for fun.

No. 2 John Axford – Major League Baseball Pitcher

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Only one word comes to mind when I look at John Axford’s mustache: classy. This mustache is a rare breed that many try to grow, but don’t have the testosterone levels to produce. The swoops on the end look like something from the 1860s and add to his all-around awesome factor.

No. 1 Cal Clutterback – NHL Right Wing

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I can’t say enough about this mustache. Just look at it! If that doesn’t scream “I’m going to do bad things to you” I don’t know what does. I would be petrified if I saw this guy skating toward me. Clutterback’s mustache oozes with so much manliness it’s uncontainable, even somewhat scary. He just looks like the guy who would headbutt you for no reason. Clutterback wins for creativity, thickness and manliness.

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