If you choose to read any further, you will probably pick up on the fact that this is the first column I’ve ever written. My editor entrusted me with the column this week which was her first mistake considering I’m not positive what a column actually is.
I googled it earlier and Mallory expects me to either build an upright pillar that is typically cylindrical or, more likely, I am responsible for an article expressing my opinion on a certain topic.
Considering I know nothing about construction and the fact that I work at a newspaper, I am going to proceed assuming the latter.
If you, like me, came here expecting something to help you support your house, I sincerely apologize.
I’m just as disappointed as you are. Maybe one day I will write a column about columns.
But today we have a much more important topic to talk about. This is a subject that I feel very strongly about and I sense that you do, too. Since this is my first opinion piece, I decided that I might as well swing for the fences and take on the issue that is more controversial and has divided more households than any in recent memory. I’m not sure if you’re wearing that hard hat because you thought we would be building columns today but you should leave it on because it is about to get messy.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I am talking about obnoxious sports commentary on social media.
Other than the Murray State News’ devout Amish following, all of you have probably been effected by this in some way.
Just imagine you are sitting at home enjoying the big game on TV when they cut to commercials, otherwise known as Twitter break.
You harmlessly scroll through your feed, skipping over your friends’ Crossfit updates and occasionally laughing at a cat photo, when the unthinkable happens.
Your neighbor, who you thought was your friend, tweets, “The Colts need to figure out how to get pressure on QB without blitzing too many guys. They should switch to a simple 4-4-2 #firepagano.”
The story ends with you saying words to your phone that would make Siri blush and throwing it out the window.
Not only are these types of tweets useless and annoying, but they are a catalyst to a whirlwind of obnoxious tweets that increase exponentially.
If we don’t put a stop to this now, most of our major cities will be taken over by this viral disease by as early as 2016, according to some reports.
If you are reading this today and saying to yourself, “I thought my athletic insights were enjoyed and admired by my online fan base,” don’t be ashamed.
Maybe some of your Facebook friends actually do care about whether you think the Racers should play a zone or man-to-man, but I know at least two people who don’t care and that’s me and Steve Prohm.
So the next time you have that 140 character tweet typed and ready to send, just imagine Steve, myself, and all of your Twitter followers yelling in the famous words of Michael Scott, “NO. PLEASE, GOD. NO. NOOOOO.”
And thus ends my first and probably last opinion piece. Hey, it looks like a column, you guys! It all makes sense now.
Column by Peter Northcutt, Staff writer