Illegal Man Downfield: Thank God I’m not these guys

Dylan Stinson
Assistant Sports Editor 

Last week my boss, Sophie McDonald, wrote an article where she selected her top three most attractive athletes. Sophie’s article has inspired me to put my own two cents in on this topic; however, mine is a bit different. It would be really easy to just do the opposite of what Sophie did and pick out the three hottest girls in all of sports, but no, I have something way better. I’ve decided to compile a list of the three most hideous, disgusting, grotesque men in all of sports. This should frighten you. What you’re about to see are three horrendous men who probably smell and taste worse then they look. They smell so bad you can taste their odor – like a really bad fart.

No. 1 Sam Cassell

Sam Cassell should walk around pissed off all of the time because no one ever gives him credit for his outstanding performance as Gollum in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. In all seriousness though, Cassell looks like some sort of alien. Many people believe Cassell to be ET’s brother; I think ET’s inbred cousin is a more accurate claim. Children have had to stop watching basketball because of Cassell. Some children have said Cassell’s face haunts them in their dreams, causing bed-wetting problems.

No. 2 Keith Jardine

Now if you thought Sam Cassell scared children, get a load of Keith Jardine. Jardine reminds me of that guy in prison movies who is always the creeper. Jardine’s scraggly goatee, awkward body motions, creepy presence and ape-like appearance are something you only find in horror movies, or insane asylums. Not only is he scary, but he also fights. I guess it’s good to be as ugly as he is if you’re a professional fighter. You have nothing to worry about if your face gets messed up. If Jardine decides to give up fighting he will have a bright acting career ahead of him. Every horror director in Hollywood will try and cast him as the monster, or the jail creeper.

No. 3 Joakim Noah

What can I say about Joakim Noah? I really do think you have to try to be as ugly as he is. I hope Noah has a good personality, because if he doesn’t I doubt he will ever find a woman that would love him for who he is (haha, that is so mean!). I’ve got a game for you to play. The game is called try not to cry. Here’s how you play: I’ll give you a scenario and you have to visualize the scenario without crying. You ready? Here it goes: think of him snuggled up on your couch wearing a snuggie.

The thought of seeing Noah in my house in a snuggie is the scariest thought I could ever imagine. I picture him having some kind of creepy Michael Jackson type laugh. The hair, the teeth, the nostrils – oh when does the madness end? I’m frightened and digusted all at the same time.

Just so you know, I’m not this mean in real life. I’m sure all these guys are great men who are loved by many people and I really do wish them the best of luck in life. They’re going to need it.

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