Dylan Stinson
Assistant Sports Editor
Of all the ways the male species can grow hair on his face, the goatee is bar-none the most versatile. The goatee is worn by all types of men and, unlike the mustache, incorporates many different personality types.
The goatee is so versatile I’ve decided to give you the No. 1 goatee in each of the three main goatee categories instead of the top three all around goatees (because there is no such thing). There are three types of goatees: the clean, the rugged and the nasty.
The clean is the most common form we see in today’s sports world and is worn by any and every type of person. The best example of a clean goatee has to be Albert Pujols’. If you study Pujols’ goatee closely
you can see this man cares about his goatee. It’s so precise, smooth and symmetric on both sides. This masterpiece is thick enough to notice, but not big enough to boast. The mustache is what really sets Albert’s goatee apart, although you do not need a mustache for your goatee to be considered a goatee. Pujols adds in a touch of upper lip hair to show that he’s not only a phenomenal baseball player, but a wizard with a razor as well.
Our next category of goatees is the rugged. The rugged is my personal favorite of the goatee genre. The rugged gives anyone who wears it a sense of confidence. Men who sport the rugged may not be the coolest or manliest men around but if they can grow out a rugged goatee they can fool the socks off of any onlookers with their facial intimidation. The rugged makes you look mean, like you’ve just left a motorcycle rally or a fight club of some sort. But looks are deceiving as our winner Jayson Werth proves. Werth is no mean soul. He’s a kind-hearted, soft-spoken outfielder for the Philadelphia Phillies, but you would never guess that judging by the looks of his rugged chin muff.
The nasty is just gross and unnecessary. These men take the beauty of the goatee and add crap to it such as dye, beads, braids or any other un-manly products they can salvage to try and get attention. Well, you know what Bobby Jenks, we see your goatee and we hate it!
I’m not opposed to Jenks’ goatee when it’s grown out and in its natural blonde state, as it should be. I actually think it’s quite awesome. It looks like a snowball on his chin. But
the pink? No sir. Why would you do such a horrible act to a great piece of art? Putting pink dye in your God-given chin hair is like throwing a bucket of pink paint on the Mona Lisa. Don’t ruin what’s already awesome Bobby!